The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
