Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
