somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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