No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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