I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize