she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
