i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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