i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize