from now on my penis is your penis
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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