you're like a bully in the Christmas story
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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