so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
