He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
