Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
