I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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