If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
