God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
