I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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