I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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