So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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