I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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