I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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