Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
