i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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