I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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