YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
