I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
