the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Randomize
