I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
