I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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