My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
