you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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