I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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