Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
