someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i've created a new STD.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
