Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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