i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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