Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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