Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
