Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
