For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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