just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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