he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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