At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize