what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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