Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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