evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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