Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
