I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
