Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
