I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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