I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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