Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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