Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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