Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He has the fingertips of a God
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