She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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