Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
