I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
