she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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