3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
